There was a guy called tool he was so happy he let out his toxic seeds (FART) He got arrseted and he was in jail for 4seconds then died! :)

Nah,the only one close was the ship one.

A woman wakes up out of her bed with a fright.
Her husband asks, "What's wrong?"
"I had a dream where I died again," she replies. "If I died today, would you remarry?"
"I suppose so. Wouldn't wanna be lonely the rest of my life."
The woman is somehow offended. "Would she live in this house?"
"Of course, I just finished paying the mortgage, wouldn't wanna move."
The woman's pretty mad. "Would she sleep in this bed?"
"I guess, wouldn't wanna throw out a perfectly good bed."
The woman's really mad. "Well, would she use my golf clubs?"
The man looks at her very seriously and says, "No. She's left handed."

I smiled at it,too bad I didn't laugh,really want this contest to end .-.

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

*A man walks into a doctor's office*

Doctor: Okay, I have bad news and very bad news.
Man: What's the bad news?
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Man: That's terrible, what's the worse news?
Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Heard all of those except the last one but didn't laugh at that tho.

Okay, try this on for size.

My mom lives in America, my brother was in Alcenberry, England. This is exactly how the conversation went.

Brother: Yeah mom, I won't be able to come home due to the volcano over Iceland.
Mom: Can't you just take the train?
Brother: .......
Mom: So I guess that's a no then?

Apparently my Mom believed there was a train over the Ocean.

Phil forgot his wife Mary's birthday and she was sure mad as hell.

Mary screamed at him ,"I can't believe this! After doing so much for you for all these years, how could you just forget my b'day?"

Phil replied, "Honey, its not my fault. You never seem to be getting any older. No wonder I forgot."

Mary's anger melted and she hugged Phil.

Phil winked at his refection in the mirror and thought to himself, "Thank God I could come up with this line and the timing was so right! Or else I would have had it today!!!"

What Santa taught me about Life
Encourage people to believe in you.
Always remember who's naughty and who's nice.
Don't pout.
It's as much fun to give as it is to receive.
Some days it's ok to feel a little chubby.
Make your presents known.
Always ask for a little bit more than what you really want.
Bright red can make anyone look good.
Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you've gained.
If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you're very important.
Whenever you're at a loss for words, say: "HO, HO, HO!"

Dont take this offense...

BLONDE ALUMNA
What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college?
"Would you like fries with that?"

(Tough audience. .-.)
Okay, this actually happened, and it made everyone I've told laugh, so I'm going to say it again.

My fish are offensive.:L
I walked into the kitchen to grab a snack, and I was singing 'Escape From the City' on my way in there. The two started freaking out over it. :L I get I'm not great, but I'm not THAT bad. :L

I'm so tough .-. If this reaches 5 pages i may have to give a hint on what i like to laugh at.

Two cannibals were eating a clown, and the one asks the other "Does this taste funny to you?"